When menopause exploded into our lives, we went looking for a no-nonsense guide that explained what the hell was happening. We found brilliant menopause books for women, but nothing that showed us chaps how to step up without ballsing it up.
So, for the husbands, partners, sons, brothers, friends and work colleagues of those women experiencing the menopause, we’ve tried to expose the conversational booby traps – the throwaway comments, awkward jokes and well-meant advice – that can turn a perfectly ordinary chat into a full-blown domestic crisis. Or worse. (One survey by The Family Law Menopause Project and Newson Health Research and Education showed 7 in 10 respondents blamed the menopause for the breakdown of their marriage.)
Here then are some tips we’ve learned from women who’ve lived it, and men who’ve ridden the rollercoaster alongside them. Some clung on by their fingernails. Others somehow learned to enjoy the ride. Before you accidentally say something that earns you a night on the sofa, here are 7 things never to say to someone going through menopause… and what to say instead.
1. “It’s just a phase”
Why not to say it: This is the conversational equivalent of patting someone on the head. Menopause isn’t a mood swing or “a bit of a bad day.” It’s a major biological transition that can last years. Dismissing it as temporary trivialises the physical and emotional load she’s carrying.
What to say instead: “How are you feeling?” It’s open, kind and shows you’re actually listening – not minimising. Menopause affects sleep, sex drive, energy levels, cognition, mood and confidence. And no, it doesn’t “just pass”. But with the right support, symptoms can be managed – which starts with a conversation that doesn’t shut her down.
2. “You’re not yourself lately.”
Why not to say it: It sounds like an accusation, even if you don’t mean it that way. Many menopausal symptoms are hormonal, not emotional, and women already feel self-conscious about feeling “different.”
What to say instead: “You seem like you’ve got a lot going on – want to talk about it?” This opens a door rather than slamming one. Stay calm, stay curious. Again it’s about showing you’re listening, even if you can’t do anything more than that, it’s helpful.
3. “Just let the doctors handle it.”
Why not to say it: Because while the medical team is essential, she shouldn’t have to navigate menopause on her own. For many women, this is not just a clinical process but an emotional earthquake involving anxiety, trauma and a loss of identity. Saying “the doctors will deal with it” may sound reassuring, but it unintentionally creates distance at the exact moment she needs closeness. It can make her feel abandoned and solely responsible for managing complex decisions, follow-ups and symptoms.
What to say instead: “I’m with you – do you want me to come to the appointment or help keep track of everything?” Show that you’re prepared to share the load, whether that’s taking notes, chasing appointments, reading up on her medication or simply sitting beside her in the waiting room.
4. “You’re overreacting, just calm down.”
Why not to say it: This is the ultimate double-whammy: invalidating and inflammatory. What may look like an overreaction from the outside is often her nervous system in overdrive on the inside. When her levels of the hormone oestrogen drop – a key menopause symptom – the brain’s ability to regulate emotion, stress and impulse control takes a hit. She’s not attacking you – her brain is battling a hormonal storm. And telling someone to “calm down” when they’re flooded with stress hormones isn’t soothing; it’s provocation. It’s like pouring petrol on a barbecue.
What to say instead: “It’s OK – I’m here. Take your time.” Don’t meet fire with fire. Bring calm, not confrontation, you’re not managing her emotions – you’re managing the moment.
5. “You’re not the woman I married.”
Why not to say it: Few sentences land harder. It suggests she’s become someone lesser – when in reality, she’s going through one of the biggest biological and emotional transitions of her life. Menopause isn’t just a hormonal shift; it often arrives alongside empty-nest changes, ageing parents, career upheavals and a deep questioning of identity. Telling her she’s “not the same” frames this transformation as a failure instead of what it is: a profoundly human evolution.
What to say instead: “I know this is really hard – but I want to understand who we’re becoming.” This shifts the conversation from fear to curiosity, from distance to connection. As relationship counsellor Lucy Cavendish puts it: none of us are the people our partners married. Everyone changes physically, emotionally and psychologically over time. Menopause is an upheaval, yes – sometimes a genuinely frightening one – but it’s not a threat to the relationship unless you treat it like one.
6. “I understand exactly how you feel.”
Why not to say it: Because you don’t – and that’s okay. When she’s overwhelmed, exhausted, furious or frightened, hearing “I understand” can feel like a door slamming shut. Men often rush to relate because they want to help, but menopause is an intensely personal experience shaped by biology, identity and life stage. Claiming to fully understand it can unintentionally minimise what she’s going through.
What to say instead: “I can’t imagine what that’s like – but I’m here, and I want to understand.” This creates psychological safety. It tells her you’re not competing with her experience or trying to tidy it away. You’re making space for her feelings, not stepping over them. Admitting you don’t fully get it shows respect. It keeps the conversation open, honest and grounded. And it proves you’re willing to learn, not lecture.
7. “But I’ve had a tough day, too.”
Why not to say it: Because it’s not a competition. Instead of offering support, you’ve yanked the spotlight back onto yourself and turned her vulnerability into a point-scoring contest – and even if you “win,” you lose. When she opens up about how overwhelmed she feels, she’s not asking you to rank your suffering against hers.
What to say instead: “I’m sorry it’s been such a hard day – tell me what’s going on.” This keeps the focus where it belongs: on understanding her experience before introducing your own. There will be space for your tough day, too – just not in that moment. When someone is vulnerable, the most supportive thing you can do is hold the emotional space, not challenge it.
Writing a book about the menopause, Burning Up, Frozen Out (with co-author Joe Warner), taught me that it’s never about having the perfect response. It’s about showing up – calmly, curiously and without judgement. You’ll get it wrong sometimes, say the wrong thing and pick the worst moment. That’s okay: it’s what happens next that counts. Stay open, stay patient and ask more than you answer, and you might just get through this life stage not only still talking, but closer than ever. And yes, you might even stay off the sofa tonight.
BURNING UP, FROZEN OUT: What Every Man Needs to Know About the Menopause (But No One Told You) By Joe Warner and Rob Kemp – Out 26 March 2026 – Sheldon Press – £16.99
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